Thy Will Be Done.

I thought Father’s day would be hard. It wasn’t bad. That could be because I purposely planned to be riding for 13 hours in a car with my two children on our way back from vacation. I also did my best to avoid Facebook like the plague. I hoped to just ignore the fact that it was Father’s day completely (sorry to my husband for getting gypped on that one).

The first Father’s day without your father here on earth just sounds like a bad day.

But Father’s day came and went, and my plan to ignore it worked fairly well. It wasn’t nearly as painful as I imagined.

And then came today.

Last summer my dad and grandpa built a boat together. Ten months ago this weekend, we christened the boat and took it out on the water for the first time. Over the next two months, my dad went out on the boat every chance he could, and I tried to go along as many times as our schedule allowed.

Two months. If I would have known that was all the time we had left…

I can still remember sitting in the boat watching my dad paddle me around the lakes. He was so proud and happy. I’m not sure I’ve seen him happier. Sitting in his handmade boat on the water, surrounded by his wife, his parents, his kids, his grandkids. Life was good. Really good.

The last time we were out on the water with his boat I didn’t get to go for a ride with him. It wasn’t intentional. It was a fun filled day on the lake with several boats to play in. It wasn’t until we had packed up that I realized I never rode in his boat that day. I let the thought slip from my mind, no worries, there will always be next time.

Except there wasn’t. A little over a week later I was crying on my kitchen floor because he was gone.

Today, we took his boat back out on the water for the first time this year. As I drove to the store to get supplies before heading to the party, tears filled my eyes. This just isn’t the way things were supposed to turn out.

A song came on the radio just as my eyes began to swell…

I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

The really hard part is that life, for me, is still really good. This weekend was a blast. Getting together with family, taking the boat out, watching the kids play and swim in the water, my heart is overwhelmed with joy and content and peace.

Until I look over and see the boat. My heart catches in my throat. I sit next to my grandma as I watch her try to hold back her tears. She feels it too. Someone is missing. This isn’t the way this summer was supposed to be. It is good, and it is fun. We are so blessed and thankful for each other. But that doesn’t erase the hurt. The hurt that will never go away.

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done

At one point tonight, I was overwhelmed and just wanted my dad. It’s hard to be surrounded by his parents and his siblings and not have him there. I did the only thing that made sense. I climbed into his boat and went for a ride. My little boy went with me. I’ve never really rowed a boat by myself before, so I was afraid to go far.

But my next time had finally come. We were back out on the water. Me with my broken heart and memories and this beautiful boat filled with hope and life. I’ll never get to ride with my dad again, this side of heaven. But I’m really thankful for the gift of his boat that he left with us. His boat that is literally etched with memories of him, even if from only a couple months.

As I rode around with my son, he started talking about his grandpa. He’s only 3 years old. He doesn’t bring up my dad very often. It breaks my heart that he was only two when my dad died. Will he even remember his grandpa? But tonight he reassured me that for now, he remembers his grandpa very well. And in his 3 year old words he shared with me stories of his favorite memories of grandpa.

He told me that one of his friends from daycare told him that people aren’t “died” forever. In a few days he won’t be “died” anymore and we’ll see him again. I started to correct him and explain that “died” means forever, we won’t see him again in a few days.

But then I remembered heaven. I don’t know how to make a 3 year old understand, when I can’t even begin to understand myself. But heaven, in a few days or a few years or a few decades, is coming. So we will hold onto our hope that “died” does not mean forever.

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done

This is not the summer I would have planned. I will always wish we had more time. Or at least that we would have known that time was running out. But I’m so thankful for what we did have. And I’m grateful that even in the midst of my broken heart, I can still clearly see that God is good.

My dad’s unexpected death was not necessarily God’s will. I firmly believe that God grieves with me, just as He did with Lazarus’ sisters in the Bible. Death hurts, even when you’re God. And yet, He is good and He is hope and He is able to work all things for good. He is love and love defeats death.

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord

In the midst of my joy. In the midst of my sorrow. Thy will be done, O Lord. Even when it hurts, I trust that You are good. You hold my broken heart, and You create beauty out of ashes.

Thy will be done.

Feel free to check out the song I’ve been singing all day on iTunes and YouTube (affiliate link).

Full lyric video of “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott