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Working Mom's Balance

From Overwhelmed to Flourishing

Episode 4: How to Manage Emotions Well

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Emotions are a part of life. Some people avoid and bury their emotions while others get stuck and ruminate on their emotions. Neither approach is healthy and productive. In this episode, we learn what emotions actually are, the importance of allowing ourselves to experience all emotions, and we discover how to manage our emotional experience in order to be resilient and thrive.

Links and Resources from this episode

Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life by Susan David

How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett

Find me on Instagram at @TracyKulwicki

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The Best Way to Transform Your Will and Behavior

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There is a small section in Romans where Paul discusses his struggles with sin in a way that all of us can relate to. If you’ve ever read the passage you’ve probably nodded your head vigorously in agreement.

” I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” Romans 7:15 NLT

Can I get an amen? Me too, brother Paul, me too.

“I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.” Romans 7:18b-19 NLT

Every day!

“I have discovered this principle of life–that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.” Romans 7:21 NLT

I’m glad it’s not just me that feels this way.

“I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind.” Romans 7:22-23a NLT

The War Inside our Minds

Did you know that there is a war going on inside of your mind, at all times? Paul describes this as a war between your sinful nature and the life-giving Holy Spirit who lives inside of you.

We think that the moment we become Christians we (and everyone else, maybe especially everyone else) should be instantly good and holy, never sinning, never making mistakes, always following the will of God to a “T”. But the reality is that this doesn’t instantly happen, ever.

We also think that the moment we decide to start making different choices in our lives, be it in regards to our health, our work, our parenting, our marriage, or anything else in life, we should instantly begin doing the things we’ve now decided to do. The choice has been made, why don’t we follow through on it?

I know I should eat a salad instead of a Big Mac, so why do I always go for the Big Mac?

I’ve decided to start going to the gym on a regular basis, so why has my gym bag stayed locked in my trunk all week while I’ve relaxed at home on the couch instead?

Maybe you call it a lack of self-control or self-discipline or willpower. Maybe you call it a war of the flesh.

The truth is that changing our behavior and actions is a process.

A Little Brain Science

You have to change your thoughts and renew your mind if you want to change your will and behavior.

Our brains were designed to take the path of least resistance. This is why once you’ve developed a habit, be it a good habit or a bad habit, it can be really hard to break that habit.

When we take a certain action our brain develops a neural pathway. Neurons connect with other neurons and develop a roadmap in our brains for the way things should go. When we repeat that action, the pathway gets even stronger. Until one day we don’t even have to try or think about it, our brain is on autopilot, doing the thing we trained it to do.

So if you’ve spent your whole life (or even just the last couple of years) eating Big Macs and lounging on the couch, your brain will fight you at every step of the process when you try to shake things up and eat salads and go to the gym.

It’s also why a drug addict who finds Jesus in the safety of a jail cell will often succumb to the temptations of the real world upon his release, no matter how strong His newly found faith was in jail. His brain hasn’t had the chance to develop new neural pathways that lead to better decisions. His brain has chosen to follow the only pathway it knows.

This is also why later in the book of Romans Paul tells us to “let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2b NLT.

Changing Our Behavior Must Begin By Changing Our Mind

renew your mind to transform your behavior

It is not possible to change our behavior by simply deciding to change our behavior. We can’t force ourselves into lining our will up with God’s will or anyone else’s will for that matter.

God did not design humans to have the ability to instantaneously change everything about themselves. And I’m pretty sure this was intentional.

You see, the thing God wants most is not instant obedience. It’s relationship.

“God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.'” Acts 17:27-28a NIV.

You see, we aren’t changed and transformed into the likeness of Christ, holy and perfect and righteous simply because we’ve decided to now have faith and believe in Jesus.

We are changed and transformed because we “put on our new nature, and {we are} renewed as {we} learn to know {our} Creator and become like him.” Colossians 3:10 NLT

Our new nature in Christ is a process. We learn to know God and in that learning, we become more and more like Him.

We “let the Spirit renew {our} thoughts and attitudes.” Ephesians 4:24 NLT

This is important. The Holy Spirit doesn’t change our behavior. The Holy Spirit changes our thoughts and attitudes. The change must first begin in our mind.

We must begin to develop new neural pathways. As our relationship with God grows and develops, as we learn more about the heart of Christ and seek to understand His purposes and will, our neurons begin to fire differently. We create a completely new roadmap in our brain.

Renewing Our Minds in Christ Leads to Lasting Change

a renewed mind leads to a renewed life

And do you know the result of all this transforming of our brains?

“The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against such things!” Galatians 5:22-23 NLT.

Our behavior begins to change.

If you are tired of making decisions and then failing when you try to follow through on those changes, maybe it’s time to stop trying to manage your will and instead begin to manage your mind.

Your flesh and your will are guaranteed to let you down. Your will is easily controlled by the world, by temptations, by your brain’s insistence on always taking the easy road.

So let us stop trying to change our will and our behaviors. And let us instead lean in, seek after, and pursue a transformation of our minds.

If we want to become a new person, let’s start with changing the way we think. Let’s work toward developing new neural pathways as we learn new behaviors and ideas and processes. And most importantly, let us remember…

“There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.” Romans 8:1-2 NLT.

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8 NLT.

Today’s Action Step to Transform Your Will and Behavior

Think about one behavior you are currently trying to change in your life. Have you been trying to force yourself into changing your will before you transformed your thoughts? Have you taken this desired change to God and requested His help?

Instead of focusing on changing the behavior, we must first focus on transforming our mind so that the desired behavior will naturally follow. It will still be difficult the first few times you do the desired behavior as your brain begins to learn to develop a new neural pathway. But by focusing on changing your thoughts and your attitude first, seeking God and bringing Him into the picture, you will begin to lay the groundwork in your brain to shift from the existing pathways to the renewed and transformed pathways.

Additional Resources

You Are What You Think: How You Can Direct Your Thoughts to Change Your Life

How to Avoid Falling Off the Healthy Eating Wagon

5 Steps to Refresh Your Faith

How to Be a More Positive Person

Do you struggle to do what you want to do and not to do what you don't want to do? There is an important first step that must be done if we want to experience true change. If you are ready to transform your will and behavior, you must start by renewing your mind. When we transform our mind than our behavior will naturally change.

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You Are What You Think: How You Can Direct Your Thoughts to Change Your Life

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Your brain is fantastic at running on autopilot. This is a good thing. You are breathing, and I bet that you aren’t consciously thinking and reminding yourself to breathe. Your brain is really good at keeping you alive.

Your brain is also really good at keeping you safe. It reminds you to look both ways when crossing the street, to keep your hands away from a hot stove, and to stop when the light is red. In a million different ways, all throughout your day, your brain uses the information it has previously stored to guide you into living in safety.

The brain is also really good at being efficient. As you learn and experience things in life, your brain develops neural pathways and connections. This is how the things we learn become easy and unconscious actions. You don’t have to think about breathing or walking or even brushing your teeth anymore. The neural pathways in your brain have all the programming they need to keep you walking and talking and breathing with clean teeth, all day long.

Our Brains Can Often Get Things Wrong

This is how the brain is supposed to work and it serves us really well in our lives. However, because our brains are always aiming for safety and efficiency based on previous experiences, it can sometimes get things wrong. If someone told you (directly or indirectly) that you were not good enough, your brain will develop a neural pathway for that thought. If you think or hear that thought enough times, that neural pathway becomes the default for your brain. “I am not good enough” plays on repeat until it becomes as unconscious as breathing. You aren’t even aware that you are thinking it, but the results of that thought are still evident all over your life.

Your thinking creates your reality. Your thoughts drive your feelings and your feelings drive your actions. The actions you take in life bring you results. If your brain default says, “I’m not good enough.” You will feel defeated, hopeless, weak, sad, and powerless. What kind of action are you likely to take if you feel hopeless, powerless, and defeated?

If your brain is constantly thinking about all the problems in the world and in your life you will feel emotions like fear, worry, anger, and distrust. Have these emotions ever led you to do something productive and good in your life? Usually not. Usually, when we are acting out of fear or worry or anger, we just make things worse. Right?

You Hold the Power to Direct Your Thoughts

So, are we powerless and hopeless in the face of our preprogrammed brains gone amuck? Not at all. You have the power to change and direct your thoughts. You can reprogram your brain to think thoughts that serve you instead of harm you.

And not only do you have the power, but the Bible directs us to do exactly that. “…and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,” 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NASB). The Bible also says, “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8 (NLT).

You see, we can live our lives thinking about all of the bad things that happen in the world. We can read all of the latest news stories and current events and tell ourselves that we’re just trying to stay informed. We can discuss and debate all of the latest hot button items with our friends, getting more and more upset, and claim that we are staying alert and on guard. But are these things excellent and worthy of praise?

Do Not Let Your Mind Become a Toxic Waste Dump of Negativity

I’m not saying we stick our heads in the sand and ignore the world around us. But I also think that many people live in such a way that their mind becomes a toxic waste dump of negativity. All they read and hear and discuss is all of the bad. If you never notice the good, you will not realize that even in the midst of the bad, there is tremendous good around you. But if you’re always focusing on the bad, you can’t work to help the good grow because you don’t even know it exists.

We Don’t Point to Darkness, We Spread Light

The truth is that there is good in this world. Great amounts of good. The truth is that we are called to be Ambassadors of Good. We aren’t called to point out the darkness of the world, but to bring light to the world. If you are filled with darkness and negativity, you cannot spread light and life. We flood our thoughts with good and true and honorable and right and pure and lovely and admirable things because then those things will flow out from us into the hurting world.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23 (NASB)

Direct Your Thoughts to Serve You

One of the best things you can do as a daily practice is to notice your thoughts, the conscious and the unconscious ones. Listen to the noise in your own head and consider it. If you constantly hear the same negative thought patterns, it is time to take those thoughts captive. Don’t beat yourself up or shame yourself for thinking negative thoughts, that just continues the cycle. Your negative thoughts are not some terrible sin you need to feel bad about, it is your brain’s way of protecting you. But you are smarter and bigger and better than your brain and you realize that if thought’s aren’t serving you, they have no use in your life.

How do we know if a thought is serving us? Consider how the thought makes you feel. If the thought you are thinking makes you feel things like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control then keep on thinking it. It is serving you well.

However, if your thoughts lead you to feelings of anger, worry, jealousy, disputes, envying, impurity, immorality, depression, anxiety, strife, or the like, then they are not serving you.

Transform Your Life by Changing the Way You Think

You are not at the mercy of your life circumstances and you are not at the mercy of your thought patterns. You are in full control. We have been given the power, through the Holy Spirit, to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Do not live in a place of defeat, allowing your negative thoughts to rule over your life.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2 (NLT, emphasis mine).

The first step is simply to notice your current thought patterns and consider how those thoughts are affecting your emotions and your actions in life. Once you’ve noticed thoughts that are not serving you, then you can begin to change the way you think, replacing bad thoughts with good ones. If you believe you are not good enough, you need to start to tell yourself that you are good enough. You are more than enough. And you begin to look for evidence to prove this truth to your brain. This begins to build new neural pathways and reprogram your brain to replace the truth for all the lies you have been believing.

Replace the Lies in Your Mind with the Truth

This is why it is so important to constantly be studying the Word. Because the truths of the Good News of who God says you are and how God loves you need to flood your mind more than the lies that the enemy tries to sneak into your brain.

When your brain thinks “I am not good enough”, you can replace that thought with the truth from Ephesians 2:10 that says, “I am God’s masterpiece.”

When your brain is flooded with worry and anxiety over the safety of your family because of the latest act of violence or terror, you can replace that worry with the truth that, “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.” Psalms 23:4 (NLT).

Do Not Depend on Your Own Understanding

So often I hear people try to defend their negative thoughts and opinions by stating, “well, it’s true” or “I just want to be prepared” or “I’m just trying to be realistic and honest”. But “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT). Again I will remind you that we are not called to focus on and point out the darkness, for our God can do all things. Our God is ruler over all things. Our God has a power that can blow our minds.

You see, we are told to “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5 (NLT). Because our own understanding can point out all the flaws and the problems and the “reality”, but our God is not confined by reality. Our God says, ““My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” Isaiah 55:8 (NLT).

Let Us Walk in the Freedom of Light

So let us stop imagining all of the negative in our lives and the world around us and let us instead “…strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.” Hebrews 12:1-2 NLT

My friend, you have the power to control the results in your life by changing the way you think. Allow God to renew and transform your mind, teaching you to see the world as He does. To see the world as filled with hope and beauty and glory, a world that is desperate for His kingdom come. A world where despite the evil and the darkness, our God still reigns and rules, and love and hope conquers all.

Today’s Action Step

Set aside 5-15 minutes sometime today to find a quiet place and a journal. Sit and allow your mind to wander. Jot down as many thoughts as you can. Patiently and kindly consider those thoughts. Are they true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable? Are they excellent or praiseworthy? When you think and even say the thought out loud does it make you feel love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, or self-control?

If not, take some time to write out a new thought. Find a verse in the Bible to support your new thought. Write that verse down, along with your new thought, and carry it with you in the coming days. Anytime your mind begins to wander to your old thought patterns, pull out your card and repeat your new thought and verse over and over until it becomes so deeply ingrained in your brain that you know it as well as your own name. Repeat this activity regularly with a variety of toxic thoughts for best results.

Additional Resources

This Podcast episode on Thought Creation can help you understand how to make new thoughts.

This Podcast episode on Beliefs can help if you struggle with thinking your negative thoughts are true and necessary.

I’m working on creating a “challenge” opportunity in the next couple months that will dive further into how our mindset (thoughts) affect our results in life. If you would like to make sure you don’t miss out on this when it is available, be sure you are signed up for the Working Mom’s Balance Email Club. I will be announcing the details there first. Click here to sign up.

What you think controls every aspect of your life. So many people try to live at the mercy of their life circumstances and experiences without realizing that they have the power to overcome everything in their life simply by changing their thoughts. You can direct your thoughts and think thoughts that serve you that will lead you to creating the life you want. Take the time to take every thought captive and direct it in the way it should go by creating new thoughts inspired by God's word.

Scripture quotations from the translations noted. Holy Bible, New Living Translation copyright 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois, 60188.  NIV® Copyright 2011 by Biblica, Inc.®. NASB 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. All rights reserved.

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The Secret to Experiencing the Good Life

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thoughtsWhen I was pregnant with my daughter, I made plans to have a natural birth. I read most of a book on natural labor and browsed a few websites and birth stories online and called myself prepared. When labor started I put into practice all of the things I had learned and had a very peaceful, first four hours of labor. Then things started to get a little intense so I woke up my husband who started asking questions to figure out if it was time to go to the hospital. I distinctly remember the panic that started to spread over me as I realized that this was only the beginning and there was a chance that they might send me home for not being far enough along. So many thoughts raced through my mind as I burst into tears. My poor husband had no idea what to do.

We did end up going to the hospital. We weren’t immediately sent home but I was ordered to walk the halls for two hours to determine if we were actually in labor. I truly thought this was a cruel joke. I was in so much pain and the path before me looked like it was going to last forever. All of my natural birth plans went out the window. I ended up with an epidural, Pitocin, and threats of a c-section before my daughter finally eased herself into the world after 22 hours of labor. It could have been much worse. I’m thankful that this story was pretty good, but it wasn’t what I planned.

By the time I got pregnant with my son a couple years later I had decided that I again wanted to have a natural birth. And this time, I knew what to expect and I knew I needed to plan and prepare better. I read every birth book I could get my hands on. I read hundreds of natural birth stories. I practiced relaxation techniques. And nearly every day of my entire pregnancy I visualized a perfect, healthy, fully natural birth. I memorized scriptures to bring to mind and I even found a song that gave me peace and confidence for the experience. I was beyond ready.

When my water broke this time, I was fully confident in my knowledge and abilities of a natural birth. I knew what needed to happen. I listened to my body. And I kept my thoughts (between contractions) focused on all things peaceful and joyful. When things got really intense and I felt myself panicking this time, I closed my eyes and sang my song in my head. When my mind started to wander and think about the long road ahead of me or the pain that would inevitably come with the next contraction I quietly remembered the scriptures I had memorized and took slow, calm breaths. I had trained myself to focus on peace. I only allowed my mind to think good thoughts. My son flew into the world exactly five hours after my labor began. There were no drugs, no fears, no threats of c-sections, and nobody even asked me if I needed an epidural or pain medication.

What you think will affect your outcome.
What you believe shapes what you become.
Your attitude creates your results.

I fully believe that my second birth story was so drastically different than my first because of my mindset and my thoughts. I understood that I could change my outcome through knowledge, preparation, and positive, peaceful thinking.

Consider your Emotions

Emotions like fear aren’t bad. We shouldn’t force ourselves to bury our emotions. We have to learn to feel and embrace the emotions that bubble within us. Because only when we feel our emotions can we actually use that feeling to guide us on a productive path. My fears of having another epidural and possibly more dangerous birth led me to learn more and prepare better. Emotions are good as long as we don’t bury them or wallow in them. We must instead, feel them, understand them, and solve them in a productive way.

The first step to overcoming your emotions is to understand the thoughts that are leading you to feel that emotion. Are they rational or irrational thoughts? Are they helpful or unhelpful? Do you want to believe the things you believe that are leading you to think and feel the way you do? I have a fear of what people will think of my writing when I hit the publish button. There are mean people in the world who might make fun of me to my face or in the comments. My friends and acquaintances might learn something about me that makes them not like me as much. The feelings and concerns are real. But really, what’s the worst that could happen? I love writing. I love sharing my writing with the world and my dream is to inspire, motivate, and encourage people. Being fearful and allowing that fear to keep me from hitting the publish button is not helpful. And somewhat irrational. Who cares if a few people don’t like what I write? Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and someone else’s opinion of me isn’t really my problem or my concern. So I write. And I press publish. And I remember that some people do like reading what I have to say. I think about the people who have told me stories about how my writing has helped them or inspired them to make changes. I shift my thinking from my worries and insecurities to my confidence and hopes.

The way you think and what you believe about yourself and about the world, will affect everything from your outcomes to your attitudes to your actions. We must always remember that our thoughts are powerful.

Our mind is a battlefield. Do you want the negativity to win? Or would you rather experience the fullness that life has to offer by changing your negative thoughts to positive, productive thoughts?

Did you know that you can tell yourself to have a great day today – and then actually experience a great day, simply because you made the decision to do so?

Fix your Thoughts

The Bible says “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8) The Creator of our minds knows how they work. God understands that when you fix your thoughts on what is good, good things will follow.

What goes on in your mind will determine what comes out in your words and your actions. This is particularly true when it comes to our faith and our beliefs about ourselves.

We often think of meditation as some strange thing they do in other cultures and religions, but everyone meditates on different things all the time. To meditate means to think deeply or focus one’s mind for a period of time.

Meditation can be good and it’s actually a really important thing to include in our daily lives. As long as we are meditating, thinking, on the right things.

The Bible repeatedly talks about meditation. We are instructed to meditate and fix our thoughts on God, His Word, His promises, and the good things we find in His Kingdom.

Psalm 119:148 says “My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises.” What a great reminder that is! How often do your eyes stay open through the watches of night meditating on your problem and your worries? What if, when you found yourself tossing and turning, unable to sleep, you fixed your thoughts on all of God’s promises instead?

“May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock, and my Redeemer.” (Psalm 19:14) This is one of my favorite verses. I love to say this over and over again. Not necessarily to ask God for help in pleasing Him, but to continually remind myself that God is my Rock of stability and He will Redeem me from every single struggle I face.

Psalms also says “I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.” (Psalm 143:5) The same God who helped you last year is the same God helping you through your current situation. The God who raised people from the dead is just as strong today as He was in the Bible. Remember all of the things that God has already brought you through. Remember the strength He gave you before when you thought you couldn’t endure any more. He will meet you again. He will carry you today, just as He did yesterday, and just as He will tomorrow. God is able, always, this will never change.

“Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” (Joshua 1:8)

This is the secret to living an abundant life. God didn’t promise a perfect life. He never said it would be easy. We have been guaranteed that we will struggle, times will be hard, we will be pushed beyond our limits. But just outside of your limits is the saving arms of your Redeemer. So fix your gaze steady on Him, let your thoughts consider His goodness, be at peace in the memories of His love. He is for you. He is with you. Always. Meditate on that and good things will come.

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