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Taming the Paper Monster with KonMari

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If paper clutter has gotten out of control in your house, take heart. It is possible to tackle that monster and get the papers in your house under control once and for all. Marie Kondo describes how to tackle the paper chaos in her book the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. This post takes a peek at how to use the konmari method to get your papers under control.

I hate papers! I also apparently love papers. Last month we tackled the paper monster in our house by using the KonMari method described in the book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo.

If you’re new here, we are taking a portion of this year to work category by category through the steps in the book to “tidy up” our homes. You can read the introduction here, learn about my experience sorting our clothes, or read all about how I released hundreds of books from my home.

If I were to give myself a grade on how closely I followed the KonMari method for the paper category, it would probably be a “C”. However, we had a LOT of papers in our house and now we have a lot fewer papers, so I’m still calling it a success.

Marie’s instructions for the paper category are essentially: throw away everything. “After all, they will never inspire joy, no matter how carefully you keep them.” (pg 97)

Marie does make a distinction between papers and sentimental papers. Anything that might be considered sentimental paper should be saved for the end when you go through all the sentimental stuff in your house. Any non-sentimental papers in your home should be dealt with or discarded.

She does allow for keeping some papers, there are papers that need to be saved and papers that need to be dealt with. Marie does not recommend an elaborate filing system. However, she does require that all papers be kept in one specific spot only. This is good advice. When I started this month we had papers spread in every nook and cranny of our house. It took me a very long time to collect all of the papers we had.

paperwork

Paper that must be dealt with.

The first category of papers Marie allows you to keep are those things that must be dealt with. She recommends keeping a vertical organizer that will allow you to collect all of the papers that need to be dealt with in one place. These would include letters that need a reply, forms to fill out, and I would add paper bills that still need to be paid. Keep them all in one place so they’re easy to find and deal with them as you need. You should also aim to keep this box empty at all times. Ha! Easier said than done, and even Marie will admit to that.

Papers that must be kept.

The second category of papers to keep is those that must be saved. She recognizes that the majority of these papers must be kept “regardless of the fact that they spark no particular joy in your heart.” This might include things like leases, policies, warranties, and tax documents. You may need to keep these items, but you will rarely actually need to access most of these items, so she doesn’t recommend spending a lot of time organizing them. Place them all in one folder and be done with it.

Frequently used papers that need to be kept.

There may be some papers that you will need to review or use more often. This might be meeting notes, newspaper clippings, or whatever else you may need to look at once in a while. These can be sorted and organized a little more than the other papers to be sure you are able to find what you need when you need it, but they should still all be kept in one place. She cautions that this category does tend to grow if kept unchecked, so be sure to really consider each paper that is stored in this category.

At most, you should have three “bins” for papers. Stuff to deal with, stuff to be saved because you must, and stuff to review on occasion. All of these should be kept in one place and kept to the bare minimum.


How I did using the Konmari method for our paper category.

Half of our paper monster.

Half our paper monster.

I’ve mostly stuck to these rules. I did get rid of 3 bags of paper trash, so I definitely improved our situation. Almost all of the papers in our home are now tucked away in my office. Here’s a brief rundown of how I sorted and saved our papers.

  • Fire-proof safe. In here we’ve got birth certificates, savings bonds, social security cards, some bank/loan information, and passports. All things that are really important to keep and would be a giant hassle to replace if they were damaged or lost. (Side note: As I was sorting through our safe I found 16 expired credit cards! When we were heavy in credit card debt payoff mode we had a fair number of credit cards. We couldn’t bring ourselves to go full on Dave Ramsey and clip them up, so we just tossed them in the safe. Apparently, it was a pretty good plan because there were several versions of the same few cards that we never even activated. They have all since been paid off, so I finally broke down and shredded them. Ah, it felt so good.)
  • Tub for warranties and instruction manuals. This is where I start to stray from Marie’s strict rules. She recommends getting rid of all your instruction manuals because you can look everything up online these days. This is true, but sometimes I’m lazy and this small tub isn’t taking up much space, so I decided to keep it. I’ve been using the tub for years, so I did go through it and trash all of the appliances/gear we no longer own (baby gear) or the small items that really didn’t require an instruction manual in the first place.
  • Hanging files storage crate. I had a pretty decent organization method for papers that need to be kept that I started years ago. I do agree that just tossing all the papers you must keep in one place is an easy way of dealing with your papers, however, I already had most of these papers organized into separate folders, so I didn’t see the need to ruin that system. I sorted through each of the files and tossed anything that was no longer important. This is where we keep old tax records, mortgage paperwork, and other bank and insurance documents that we might someday need.
  • Kid stuff. Holy cow. I’ll talk more about kid stuff in a minute, but for now, I’ll just say I do have a box (that will soon be moved to a sturdy Rubbermaid tub) of kid projects and memories to keep. I think Marie includes kid’s stuff in the sentimental category, but I just bit the bullet and dealt with it now since the majority of my paper madness comes from kid’s stuff. Marie does mention that if your kid’s papers truly do spark joy then you can go ahead and keep them, but you should not keep them out of guilt that you might hurt your kid’s feelings.
  • Vertical organizer for the must be dealt with. I have one spot in my office where I toss any papers that need to be dealt with. I’m really hoping I can develop some type of routine to go through this and clear it out on a regular basis. I’ve heard one person mention that every Sunday evening she goes through her “to deal with” folder and cleans it out. I think that’s brilliant, I’m just not sure Sunday evening is the right time for me. I’m not sure when is a better time though, so I’m thinking on that one.

Kid Stuff (To be revisited).

The kid stuff is my biggest problem. The kids come home with stacks of worksheets and art projects every single day. They make more papers while they’re at home. And kid papers multiply and get hung on every vertical surface of my home. It’s maddening. But I also really love to see my kids’ stuff and they are so excited about all of their projects and papers.

Every time the kids see one of their papers in the trash their little hearts break and I feel so terrible. But we cannot keep everything, our house would be overrun with papers in a month! I threw away a LOT of kids papers. I took down just about every art project from our walls and most of them were discarded. Three weeks later, my daughter has just now started to notice all her papers missing and keeps getting upset. I don’t know what to do with the fact that they’ve been gone for three weeks and she’s just now even noticing.

I know a lot of parents take pictures of all (or the best) of their kid’s papers and artwork and save them digitally. They create photo books and albums of them as well. This sounds like a lovely idea. I just haven’t gotten around to implementing that kind of thing. And I feel like I suck at taking pictures so I’m worried that pictures of their artwork just might not do it justice. I think I’ll try to find a happy medium of keeping the originals of best of the best and storing the other great masterpieces in a digital format. I’ll probably readdress this when we get to the sentimental section, but for now, I just needed to tame the kid paper monster while I had it on my mind.

Notes, notebooks, and lists, oh my!

I try to be very modern and digital, but I’m also a really huge fan of writing stuff down. I truly believe in the power of handwriting things to remember them. I’m always taking notes during phone conversations, I write down little things I want to remember for later. I take notes as I’m reading. I take a lot of notes throughout my workday. And I still love, love, love a paper to do list.

So. Many. Notebooks.

So. Many. Notebooks.

My main life calendar is digital (I use Google Calendar). I try to do most of my writing, blogging, and journaling on the computer (I hate hand cramps). However, I still write stuff on papers and in notebooks all day every day. I love my lists and notes. I’ve tried to do notes and lists digitally and I hate it. There is just something about writing stuff out with my hand that makes life a million times better.

I have discovered that most of my note taking is to help with my memory making. I don’t refer to my notes at a later date, most of the time. I just write things down at the moment as a way to help me store the information into long-term memory. Which means that I was able to discard a lot of the scrap paper notes and notebooks. If it’s important enough to keep long-term, I plan to scan it to keep it digitally or type the notes in a document.

I still have a large stack of empty notebooks, but I’m trying to only use one at a time to keep my note taking a little more organized. Instead of having a notebook in every room of the house and 3 for my work, I just have one notebook for work and one notebook for random other things.

Recently I started using a bullet journal for my to do list and general life planning. I love, love, love it. First of all, it has drastically cut down on random scraps of paper to do lists that get lost and shuffled around the house. It’s all in my bullet journal so I can go back to previous days to see how much I’ve accomplished. I can look over my accomplishments at the end of the month to help me decide on new goals for the coming month. I love that it’s all in one organized place. If you are a paper and pen list person like me, I highly recommend starting some version of a bullet journal. You can check out this post to see exactly how I use my bullet journal.

ab your copy of my Quarterly Goal Setting Workbook for Working Moms

The Paper Monster is no fun.

The paper category has so far been my least favorite category to work through. I enjoyed going through my books and clothes, but the papers were such a drag. Probably because papers don’t actually spark joy but we do need to keep a lot of them (and feel guilty for many we don’t keep). I’m so glad to be done with this category and I’m really hoping to be able to keep the paper monster at bay in the future.

I’ve already developed the habit of tossing all junk mail in the recycling can outside before I even enter the house after visiting the mailbox. I keep a stack of all the kids’ papers and artwork from the week in one place as they bring it home. When they aren’t around I quickly sort through it and discreetly toss most of the items in the bottom of a trash can where they can’t see it (so. much. guilt.). Permission slips and other forms I try to fill out immediately or they go in the “to deal with” folder right away. Invitations get added to my calendar immediately, I take a picture of the invite if it’s cute or has important details I’ll need, and then toss them. Greeting and thank you cards are read and then tossed unless they are really touching and then they are stored in my sentimental folder.

We will never get rid of paper completely, no matter how hard we try. But it doesn’t have to be everywhere and it doesn’t need to make us lose our minds. Tame that paper monster and then develop some systems and routines to keep that monster at bay.

Action Step: Sort through your paper monster and toss, toss, toss. Share your favorite paper taming tip in the comments.

Additional Resources:

Ruth Soukup (author of Unstuffed: Decluttering your home, mind, and soul) recently posted a great article on Taming the Paper Clutter that shares a lot of helpful tips as well.

Quarterly Goal Setting Workbook – if you’re looking to develop some goals, create a plan, and actually make some progress on tackling the clutter and paper in your house then be sure to check out my quarterly goal setting workbook to walk you step by step through the process.


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Tackling Books with the KonMari Method

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Hello friends! It’s that time again. Time to talk about decluttering. Have you done any decluttering or Spring cleaning at your house these last few months?

This is such a busy time of year for us, and I want to spend every free moment outside enjoying the gorgeous weather instead of hanging out inside cleaning and decluttering. Fortunately, we had a long stretch of rainy days early last month that helped me tackle our ginormous book collection.

Tackling Books with the KonMari Method

(This post contains affiliate links, see disclosure here.)

If you’re new, we are in the midst of a lengthy monthly series here on the blog as we move through the categories outlined in the book, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. Since we are busy, working moms, we are taking an entire month to go through each category (one category gets two months coming up). You can find the introduction here and the post about the clothing category here. Today, it’s all about sorting through our books with the KonMari method.KonMari Schedule

I love, love, love to read. So I was really nervous coming into this month. I didn’t think there was any way I could convince myself to get rid of my beloved books. Books are so important and good. I want my children to be surrounded by good books and to develop a love for reading like me. I dream of one day having a giant library of books in my home. So beautiful and peaceful and smart looking.

Step One – Gather all the books in one place (a.k.a. – a beast of a workout).

I knew we had a lot of books. I had no idea we had quite so many books. The first step in going through your books with the KonMari method is to gather all the books from everywhere in your home and place them on the floor in one location. I learned quickly why she said the floor. I placed mine on the dining room table so I wouldn’t have to sit on the floor to sort through them. And then my family wasn’t able to eat for a week!

before picture of books with the konmari method

All the books we own(ed). Yowsers, that was a workout.

Step two – Separate your books into categories.

This is an optional step according to the book, but this mountain was very overwhelming to me, so I found it one million times easier to spread things out and sort the books into categories so I could figure out what all I was dealing with. It also gave me a chance to move most of the books off the table so we could have a proper meal if we wanted (who am I kidding, we rarely eat at our table anyways, shame.).

A Bachelor's in Psychology and a Bachelor's in Management in textbook form.

A Bachelor’s in Psychology and a Bachelor’s in Management in textbook form.

 

I think the kids have plenty to read.

I think the kids have plenty to read.

 

Apparently I need a lot of help with my cooking.

Apparently, I need a lot of help with my cooking.

Step three – keep only the books that spark joy.

Here is what I learned during this endeavor. I love books a lot, but it is a love for books in general rather than a love for individual books. I actually can’t stand to read the same book twice. I recently borrowed an ebook copy of The Atonement Child from the library after my mom insisted that I read it. I thought it was a new book. It is a perfectly fine book, but it was driving me crazy that I could predict everything that was happening. It felt so deja vu. It wasn’t until I was sorting through my book mountain that I realized I owned a copy of the book and read it years ago!

I love books and I want to read as many books as I can. But once a book, especially a novel, has touched my life, I feel like it should be sent back out into the world for someone else. There are a number of non-fiction books I’ve read lately that I do want to revisit from time to time to refresh my memory of the highlighted passages and learn new things from. However, most of those books are in digital format now, so they aren’t taking up physical space in my home (hallelujah!).

I ended up only saving a small number of books (at least for myself). There were several books I’ve never read that I rediscovered in this experiment and really do want to read in the future, so, for now, they stayed in the keep pile to give me a chance to read them. Marie Kondo likely would have suggested that I get rid of them since I haven’t read them yet, but I had completely forgotten they existed until this project, so I think I deserve a fresh chance.

All of my textbooks went to the donation pile. I originally kept them all because I planned to be a fancy schmancy Psychologist one day and felt I needed to keep my textbooks to decorate my office (and reference once in a while I guess), but that didn’t happen, and they are all so outdated now that the internet is a better reference anyways. A couple years ago I looked them up to sell online and they weren’t even worth a penny. Sad day. My husband just graduated though, so his textbooks might actually be worth something. I’m hoping to look them up online in the next couple weeks and sell the ones that still hold value and donate the rest.

I had a lot of cookbooks. If I do happen to want to try a new recipe these days, I usually just scroll through Pinterest and pull up the recipe on my Kindle. I don’t thumb through the pages of the cookbooks in my pantry, ever. I reference three of my cookbooks for recipes we make on a regular basis, but the rest I’ve rarely if ever, used. Most of the cookbooks got the boot.

Oh, but the kid’s books. We still have mountains of kids books. Kids books are most certainly my weakness, and I feel no shame. I got rid of damaged books and books that had odd parts and stories that I didn’t want my kids reading in the first place. But otherwise, most of the kids’ books got to stay. I love reading because I always had good books to read as a child. I want my kids to have the same. Also, we read books to the kids every night. The kids might pick the same book to read every night, but if there are bookcases full of good options, I have veto power and can pick a new story to read so I don’t stab my eyes out reading the same story for months on end. 🙂

Step four – discard everything that doesn’t spark joy.

Eight boxes of books ready to donate.

Eight boxes of books ready to donate.

I ended up filling eight boxes with books to get rid of. I considered selling them online but decided that would take forever and I’d just end up keeping them around for years while I waited for them to sell. I also thought about putting them in a garage sale, but I have no time to set up and sit at a garage sale these days in the hopes of making a few quarters on some of the books. So, I donated all of them at a book drop. I actually had to go to two books drop box locations because I filled the first one up!

Step five – Find a good way to store the books that spark joy.

There were so few books left for the grown-ups that I was able to store them all in one place in the basement. I would still love to someday have a beautiful built-in bookshelf somewhere in our home to display a small selection of books, but for now, that is not to be. I have a bookshelf in the non-finished portion of our basement that works just fine. Since my office is in the basement, I pass by the bookshelf at least 15 times a day, so it is still very convenient. It is just around the corner from the stairs, so I even decided to put my cookbooks on the bookshelf to stick with the KonMari rule of keeping all “like” items in one specific place. I’m loving the extra space in my pantry now!

after sorting books with the KonMari method

The only “grown-up” books that made the cut.

I did make the easy decision to keep kids books in their bedrooms. We read to the kids every night, so they need to be handy and convenient. I tried to separate the “younger” and “boyish” books for my son’s room and the rest go in my daughter’s room, but they all tend to get mixed up anyway. We read together as a family, so it really doesn’t matter whose room has which books at this point.

My daughter's bedroom bookshelf (after).

My daughter’s bedroom bookshelf (after).

 

My son's bookshelf "after". He's only 3, so he just has some simple books for now.

My son’s bookshelf “after”. He’s only 3, so he just has some simple books for now.

I am absolutely loving the progress I am making as I slowly work my way through the categories of the KonMari method. At this point, I’ve only sorted through clothes and books, but already our home feels lighter and freer. I don’t know if that makes sense, but having excess stuff around you feels heavy. Now that we are slowly moving out the extra and only surrounding ourselves with things that spark joy, it’s starting to feel rather amazing.

There is still a lot of stuff to go through. I’m really struggling with the categories that are coming because I know they will be hard and will take a lot of time. I think clothes and books were easy in comparison to what we have in store.

For the month of June, the assignment is papers. I was talking about it with my husband this morning and he laughed and wished me good luck. Papers are constantly coming in! The mail brings in papers, the kids come home from school with papers every day, they come home from church with papers, they make more papers just playing in the evenings, there are papers for my work, papers from my husband’s work, papers for my blog. We are drowning in new papers every single day. I’m really not sure how this category is going to turn out. We’ll also be on vacation for a big chunk of this month. But I am determined to tame the paper beast somehow before I lose my mind. So stay tuned.

Other posts in this series:

The Original Book Review

KonMari Introduction and Monthly Plan

The KonMari Method for Clothes

Taming the Paper Monster with KonMari

Your turn: How do you feel about books? Are you a read it once and done kind of person or do you like to save books and reread them in the future? Have you minimized your books with the KonMari method? Let us know in the comments.


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10 Ways to Make Fitness a Family Affair

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When it comes to working out and being active, one of the biggest struggles that moms face is finding the time to do it. We have kids and work and volunteer opportunities, a house to clean, meals to cook, husbands to pay attention to, and a million other responsibilities pulling for our time. Working out, heck, taking care of ourselves in general, often falls off the to do list completely. But it doesn’t have to, if we learn how to make fitness a family affair.

You don’t have to sacrifice precious time with your kids in order to get a workout completed. You don’t need a gym membership to get fit. You can, and you should, include your kids in your quest for fitness.

Did you know that only 1 in 3 children are physically active everyday?

Did you know that only 1 in 3 adults receive the recommended amount of physical activity each week?

Yep, the majority of children and adults in this country are not getting the exercise their bodies and minds need. Your body and mind are without question your most valuable possession. Shouldn’t we take care of them the best we can? Shouldn’t we figure out how to make them strong, healthy, energetic, and functioning at their best levels?

Getting the physical activity that you and your children need should be one of our top priorities, and it’s probably not as difficult to fit into your schedule as you might think. Here are 10 ideas to help you start motivating your family to get active, move more, and develop the fitness you need to be your best.

You want to get fit and active, but you don't want to sacrifice even more time away from your kids than you already do? Then you need to make fitness a family affair. Here are 10 ways to include your husband and children in your quest to be more active, get fit, and get healthy.

(This post contains a few affiliate links, see the disclosure here.)

1. Be a good role model.

It starts with you. If you make excuses, your kids will too. If you don’t make it a priority to get healthy, your husband certainly won’t. If your kids see you sit in front of the TV (or your phone/laptop) all night long, they will do the same thing.

Don’t wait for someone else to join you. Don’t wait for someone else to come up with an idea. Don’t wait for someone else to get motivated. If you can’t make time to workout yourself, then you have no business nagging your husband or children to get active either.

Once you’ve decided to do something, let your family see it. It might feel embarrassing, but get over your fears and let your kids see you trying that new workout DVD. Don’t wait until everyone is in bed to head downstairs and jump on the treadmill. Set your small children up with toys nearby and get moving. Let your family see that your health is a priority to you, take it seriously, and they will start doing the same.

2. Involve your kids in your workouts.

You wanna know where I learned to be active and exercise? It wasn’t gym class. I hated gym class. It wasn’t school sports, I was terrible at everything I tried.

I learned to be active and exercise by going to my grandma’s house everyday during the summer. She had “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” and other amazing 80’s VHS workout tapes that she let us workout to with her (side note: that link goes to Amazon where you can order the updated DVD versions, for real, because everyone wants to workout with Richard Simmons still, right?). She also took us to the mall in the early mornings. Did you know old people walk laps around the mall everyday before the stores open? I know, because she dragged me along to do it, all the time. She also had a pool and often swam laps in the pool. So I did too.

You might hate exercise, but your kids will probably think it’s fun, or at least funner than you think it is. And they will often make it more fun for you too. Sure, it is more challenging when your kid climbs on your back when you’re trying to do push ups. And the runs I go on with my 6 year old are painfully slower and involve a whole lot more whining than the runs I go on by myself. But it is time spent together. It is time spent being active. And it is showing our kids that our health and fitness is a priority. It is teaching our kids to move their bodies and get fit.

3. Train for something together.

This is one of our family goals. My husband and I trained for our first race together shortly after we started dating. We both did terribly for our first half marathon, but it was a really great experience for us to do together in the early days of our relationship. After that race my husband swore to me he would never run a long race with me again. He decided that running just wasn’t for him.

Fast forward more than a decade and I’ve somehow convinced him to train to run a full marathon (26.2 miles) with me in October. When you are more active, it’s contagious and inspiring. It can also breed a little bit of healthy competition.

In the coming years our kids plan to join us on 5k races as well. Set a goal for a family fun run or some other physical event, and work hard together to hit that goal.

4. Plan active activities.

Instead of family movie night on the weekends, why not drive to a nearby park and do some hiking? Other ideas include flying kites, going for a family bike ride on a nearby trail, or go for a swim at your local lake. You could also plan a family day bowling, miniature golfing, or jumping at a local trampoline park. There are many things you can find to do that can add some great quality family time to your schedule while also helping everyone get some exercise.

5. Unwind outdoors in the evenings.

This may not be an option year-round, depending on where you live. But right now, it’s Springtime! So celebrate by turning off the TV, setting down your phone, and heading outside each night after dinner. Just a few minutes of fresh air and active play can make a huge difference for everyone in the family. Go for a family walk or bike ride, play catch in the yard, head over to the neighborhood playground, or just get some work done in the gardens and yard.

Struggling to find time to workout? Tired of choosing between your health and time with your kids? Why not do it together? Make fitness a family affair.

6. Collect outdoor active equipment.

You don’t need to spend a lot of money on a fancy jungle gym and swing set for your backyard, but think about some more budget friendly items you can pick up at yard sales this Spring to give your family some things to do to enjoy the beautiful weather. You can collect a variety of balls, bikes, roller skates, scooters, bats and gloves, and even various yard games. Don’t forget to pickup a box of sidewalk chalk or paint as well.

7. Don’t drive everywhere.

Since I’ve been running so much lately, I’ve realized that a lot of the places I drive to are actually well within walking or biking distance. Not everyone has this luxury, but if you live in an area close to town and with sidewalks or safe streets for bikes and pedestrians then challenge yourself (and your family) to walk or bike more often to the nearby stores and restaurants. If it’s a beautiful Saturday evening, why not walk the mile to the restaurant instead of driving? Want to go out for ice cream? Grab your bikes and earn that ice cream.

8. Make household chores fun and active.

Start a dance party as you work together to clean up the kitchen. Create a contest to see who can clean up the most toys the fastest. Grab some cheap pedometers and see who can rack up the most steps while cleaning up the yard. Most household chores are somewhat active already, but with a little creativity you can really amp up the fun and the calorie burn, together.

9. Let everyone have a voice in activities.

If we’re going to get everyone involved in our family fitness affair, we should probably let everyone choose some activities. Check in with your kids to see what kinds of activities they would enjoy. Create a balance in your family activities that includes something for everyone. You might hate bike rides, but if your kids love them, then snap on your helmet and go. But next week, you get to decide.

10. Schedule a family games event.

This will vary depending on the ages of your children and the size of your family as well as the types of activities you want to include. You can even combine a couple families to make it even more fun. The idea is to create some competitive adventurous activities that you can do as a family.

Think obstacle courses, scavenger hunts, strength contests, and even old school potato sack races and the like. Lazy Saturdays are really important for rest and refreshment, but sometimes it’s good to refresh with a little activity as well. This can be as simple or as extravagant as you want. Most importantly, keep it fun. The goal isn’t to add stress or feel like a miserable workout, it’s to get everyone moving, laughing, and enjoying quality time together while getting healthy and fit.

There are lots of ways to workout as a family and it doesn’t always have to feel like a workout. Try a few things and figure out what works best for your family and your schedule. The most important thing is to find ways for everyone to increase their activity levels. Be an example and an inspiration to your kids. Do it for yourself and do it for them. Your life and your health is valuable. Make sure you treat it as valuable.

What do you do to make fitness a family affair?

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4 Ways to Improve Your Parenting Skills Today

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The other day we were at the playground enjoying the gorgeous weather we’ve been having lately. There was a little boy, probably about 4 years old, with his mom. They were hanging out on the sidewalk with a big pile of sidewalk chalk and a giant spread of chalk “work” on the sidewalk in front of them.

As I stood nearby watching my children play, I couldn’t help but overhear what was going on with the mom and her son. On the surface it was just a mom working with her almost kindergartener, trying to help him learn his letters and numbers. But what I noticed as I kept listening was that the mom was constantly talking, constantly directing, and repeatedly criticizing the boy. Her words were said in a kind tone and she was trying to make it fun; it was very clear that she was working really hard to lead and guide him in his learning. But from the outside looking in, it was easy for me to see that the poor boy was probably feeling discouraged, bored, annoyed, and disappointed.

4 Ways to Start Improving Your Parenting Skills Today

The outsiders perspective is always so clear and easy to see isn’t it? I just couldn’t believe how obnoxious the mom was and why she wasn’t noticing what was so clear to me (and likely everyone else at the park). She was constantly giving orders and ideas to her child without even giving his young brain a chance to keep up with her requests. She was directing the entire activity instead of allowing him to use his creativity. She was doing all of the talking; I never heard him say a single word! And it was one of the first beautiful days after a long winter, instead of getting to run and play with the kids all around him, he was stuck on the sidewalk trying to keep up with this “lesson” his mom was trying to teach him.

As these thoughts hung with me over the following days, I started to be more aware of my own parenting skills and habits. I noticed when I barked continuous orders to my kids without giving them the chance to register my requests and respond. I noticed when I criticized their work and took over instead of helping them learn how to improve. I heard how often I did all of the talking and simply expected them to comply. I recognized the times when I forced my kids to do what I wanted instead of allowing them to pursue things they were interested in. I am that annoying mom at the park.

I truly believe that the mom at the park was doing the absolute best she knew how. Her intentions were great. She loves her child immensely and she’s doing all that she can to help him grow and learn and become a successful, kind, person. She is just like you and me. We’re doing the best we can.

But this new awareness has got me thinking and researching and trying some new things. I’ve realized that raising kids who are independent, creative, ambitious, compassionate, loving, and generous takes a whole lot of work. It will take awareness and intention, but importantly, it will not include overwhelming control. 

4 Ways to Improve your Parenting Skills Today

If we want kids who can think for themselves, we have to give them the chance to think. If we want kids who can speak up for themselves, we have to let them have a voice. If we want kids who will stand up for what they believe in, we have to allow them to disagree with us. If we want our kids to passionately pursue things that interest them, we have to give them the freedom to do just that.

Here are a few parenting skills that will help us in using less control and more freedom, while still remaining the “parent in charge”.

Listen more than you talk.

I know, it’s hard to get kids to talk sometimes, but I think part of that problem might stem from the fact that they are “talked at” a lot but rarely given opportunity to speak freely themselves, especially when interacting with adults. We ask a few questions here and there to get the information we need, but once we’ve got our answer we move on to the next item on our to do list.

But what if we were to stop talking so much, stop focusing on ten things at once, and simply listen to our kids, and ask questions, and listen some more, and probe deeper, and keep listening? Not to offer great advice, not to solve problems, not to lead and guide, just to let them be heard. I think they might talk more and we might learn a lot from them.

Be empathetic.

Remember what it’s like to be a kid? What were the things that frustrated you the most as a kid? What experiences stick out the most in your memory? Think about your children’s lives and consider what might be frustrating to them. Put yourself in their shoes. Try to imagine yourself in your kid’s day to day life.

Sure, we are smarter and we do know more about the world than they do. We do want to lead and guide them along the right path. But when we stop to consider their perspective, it just might lead us to have a little more compassion, a little more flexibility, and a little more understanding, and that can go a long way in helping us work with our kids instead of just working on them.

Praise what you want to raise.

You may have heard this described as “what you focus on will expand”. If all you are doing is criticizing bad behavior, your kids will only think about the bad behavior, their frustrations that they can never doing anything right, their anger that they got caught, and their sadness that they disappointed you, again. It ends up creating a continuous cycle of more bad behavior because that’s all anyone ever thinks or talks about.

So stop talking about it, stop noticing it, stop focusing on it. Instead notice the good behavior, recognize the great choices, and encourage the things that you want your kids to do more often. If you focus on the good things you see, you will start to see more good things.

Help your child see the value of your requests, to them.

This is one of the first lessons in persuading other people. We often think about this in business. If we want to sell a new product to one of our customers we start by showing them the value. We make it clear to our customers how our product can improve their lives and then they buy, and it ends up being a win-win for everyone.

At home, we often forget this important piece of life and we simply order our children around expecting them to comply to our every demand without question. But we are raising small humans. And small humans are just like big humans, the most important question they ask themselves is “What’s in it for me?” Take the time to help your children recognize the value of your requests. Help them see the value in cleaning their rooms, eating their vegetables, and doing their homework.

It will take more work to teach your kids value. You may have to reconsider some of your requests until you can come up with a valuable reason, but by teaching kids the “why” behind our requests and helping them recognize the value in them, they will become intrinsically motivated (coming from inside of them) to keep doing the things we want them to keep doing. We won’t have to keep reminding them, threatening them, and harping on them everyday forever and ever (extrinsic motivation). That’s a win-win in my book.

Parenting is hard. We will all fail and have bad days. What started as me criticizing (to myself) another mother led to self-examination and awareness of my own faults. Mommas, we are all in this together. No one knows what they are doing in this parenting game. We are trying the best we can. Each day we learn, we grow, and we start again. Give yourself grace, allow yourself the opportunity to grow and learn from your mistakes, and keep trying. Our kids deserve the effort it takes.

Which one of these parenting skills do you think will be the most helpful with your kids?

I recently read How to Win Friends and Influence People (affiliate link, read our disclosure here) by Dale Carnegie, and was amazed at how many nuggets of wisdom were in the book that applied to my parenting. If you haven’t read it yet, I would highly recommend it.

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4 Steps to Breaking Your Yelling Habit

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One of my goals for this year is to stop yelling at and being mean to my kids. Last month I set a goal to pause whenever I felt the urge to yell and take 5 seconds to breathe and count before I reacted. My hope was that this 5-second pause would provide my brain with the opportunity to consider a better reaction toward my kids than unleashing fiery venom from my mouth.

I decided I needed something extra to help me, so I selected a random bracelet to wear each day to provide a visual reminder throughout the day to pause and take a 5-second breather every time my anger started to rise.

I had a goal, a plan, and a visual. I was set. This was going to be the best month ever. I was going to be supermom, my kids would love me, our relationships would grow into perfection, and I’d be the mom for all the moms to follow after.

And now it’s March and I think I took my planned 5-second breather a whopping one time last month. I think I actually just became a meaner mom in February. I am most definitely not supermom and although my kids do love me and I love them, we often speak to each other with fiery venom all day every day and I get embarrassed when other people hear us speaking to each other in public. Yikes, big fail.stop yelling

Let me back up and explain my rationale for this goal. I’m a firm believer that children learn what they experience. They learn how to interact with others by the way people interact with them. They learn how to overcome differences of opinion and challenging situations by the way people overcome differences of opinion and challenging situations with them. They learn how to diffuse a negative situation by the way people diffuse negative situations with them. Research shows that 95% of what children learn, they learn through observation and modeling, not from direct teaching. Which means it is of utmost importance to be a good example to our kids of proper social behavior.

All too often I cringe when I hear my kids yell at each other (or me) and speak disrespectfully. Many parents will adamantly demand that their children speak to them and others with respect, and I agree. But when I hear my children yell and speak disrespectfully, I have noticed they use the same tones, and often the exact same words I’ve used to speak to them. Ouch! My children don’t know how to speak respectfully because I haven’t taken the time to speak to them with respect. That’s pretty embarrassing to admit.

This month, I’m revamping my goal and process for trying to stop yelling at my kids because simply wearing a bracelet and trying to remember to count to 5 just isn’t working for me. Here are 4 things I’m doing differently this month to help me achieve the goal of treating my kids with respect and taming my yelling.How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids

1. Prayer.

I just like to start everything with a good dose of prayer. When I first created my goals for this year I most certainly spent time in prayer asking God to direct me to the goals He wanted me to create. I definitely believe that His will for me is to be a nicer, more respectful, and less prone to yelling mom to my kids. But I made the goal He led me to and that was really where my prayers ended. I’m now realizing that in order to actually find success in my goals, I should probably keep praying about them.

Essentially, my goal is to change my heart and the only one who really has the power to do that is God. My new plan involves praying regularly, throughout my day for the change of heart, the patience, the peace, and the wisdom to find better ways to deal with the issues with my kids that trigger the fiery venom.

2. Get Accountable.

In February I sat in the quiet of my office and developed my goal and plan, I dug around my bathroom for a bracelet to wear and I put it on. I did not speak a word of my plan to anyone. No one knew why I was suddenly wearing this new bracelet and no one asked. The kids didn’t know I was trying anything new. I hadn’t even addressed the issue with them or apologized to them for yelling all the time. The only person who knew anything about my goal was me (and God).

This month I’m actively talking about it. I already pulled both my kids together last night and apologized for the way I’ve been talking to them lately. I let them know that we are all going to work together on being more kind and speaking to each other with respect. They were both very pleased with the idea and I immediately noticed a change in their tone with each other the rest of the night. I was a little amazed at how such a simple conversation could help.

When creating goals, especially ones that involve other people, it’s important to talk about it. Talking about this goal helped us all to be more aware of the change we’re trying to make. And now we can continue to bring it up because we are all working together to bring about this change. I know it won’t be easy, but at least I’m not alone now.

3. Track it.

I know my kids and I struggle with a lot of the same issues every single day. If I start keeping track of the times my blood begins to boil and I lose my temper or speak more rudely than I would prefer, I might actually get a chance to reflect and come up with helpful responses that are a little more respectful and loving for the future.

I’m now planning to keep a log of all the situations that cause me to struggle with patience and a peaceful response, not so that I can dwell on them or feel guilty, but to allow myself the chance to brainstorm better solutions to the trying situations that come up on a regular basis.

4. Refocus my thoughts.

My original plan was to take a 5-second breather when I faced an intense situation that made me want to scream or speak rudely. When I take a 5-second breather, do you know what’s still happening after my 5 seconds is over? The exact trigger that made me want to lose my cool in the first place! Counting to 5 might work for some people, but for me, it is just not a sufficient solution.

What I know about human behavior is that the thoughts we think about our circumstances cause us to feel a certain way, our feelings then direct our behavior, and our behavior leads to the results we get. If we don’t like the results we are experiencing in our lives (the number of times we speak meanly to our kids, for instance), we have to go all the way back to the thoughts we are thinking about the circumstance. When I’m feeling angry and yelling at my kids it’s not actually their fault!

The reason I’m feeling angry is because of the thoughts I am having about the way they are behaving. Even if my kids are choosing inappropriate behaviors, that in itself doesn’t cause me to be angry. I’m actually choosing anger, so the solution is to think a more beneficial thought that will actually be of help to the situation. (Read more on how our thoughts affect our lives here.)

When one of my children is throwing a fit or ignoring my requests I can choose to think thoughts that will lead to feelings that will serve me or I can choose to think thoughts that will lead to feelings that cause me to act like a lunatic. Sadly, I usually pick the latter. But my goal is to retrain my brain to the former. That takes work. Thoughts are usually pretty automatic and subconscious. In the heat of the moment, thoughts automatically flood my mind regarding my circumstances and cause me to feel a certain way. But the good news is, we don’t actually have to act on every feeling we feel. We can choose to think a new thought and feel a new feel, and then act from that.

This is where the 5-second pause can actually be helpful. If we choose to take a 5-second pause when we notice anger and frustration starting to rise, and in that 5-second pause we refocus our brain on a thought that is actually beneficial to the situation, we can change the way we are feeling in those 5 seconds and respond a better way.

In the moment I can think, “This child is completely ignoring my requests. They never listen to me or do anything I ask until I scream and threaten. I’m so tired of this behavior and I cannot let it continue.” These thoughts really start to make my blood boil and immediately cause me to want to jump to screaming, threatening, and being rude so we can “nip the behavior in the bud.” But what if my thoughts became a little less forceful and a little more curious? What if my thoughts bring in more empathy and less fear and control? What if I think of love and compassion instead of frustration and annoyance?

It’s hard. But it is the solution to many of life’s trials. “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8) 

What if in the heat of the moment with our kids we stopped thinking about all they do wrong and start remembering what is true and right and pure and lovely and admirable about them? What if we remember that our kids are just kids and they make mistakes just like we do? What if we paused to consider that even when we have to correct them 1,000 times a day, they are still, overall great, amazing, sweet, and wonderful kids? What if we stopped for just a moment and recognized a child who needed help instead of a kid who was disobeying?

That is the goal of my 5-second pause now, to refocus my thinking. And I’m realizing it might take far longer than 5 seconds. When my blood is boiling and the kids are continuing to rage, 5 seconds might not cut it. My goal now is to pause all response and reaction (outside of safety issues) until I can act with a clear head. The plan is to only to respond out of love, not anger or frustration or fear or impatience, only love.

Because if we ever want our children to learn how to respond in negative situations, if we ever want our kids to learn how to speak respectfully to others, if we ever want our children to learn how to compromise or persuade others, we have to actually show them how. We can’t tell them about it, they must see it, from us. Screaming at our kids just shuts them down so they can’t even hear what we have to say. But responding from a place of empathy and love opens their hearts to learn and grow.

Will you join me in this challenge? Take the next 30 days and make it your goal to treat your kids with the respect you want them to show others. To stop reacting to the negative emotions you feel in the heat of the moment and refocus your thoughts to love. To be accountable to your kids for your own behavior toward them and freely apologize when you mess up. To teach your kids that yelling and rude language are ineffective and model to them words that influence and calm.

If we want to make the world a better, more peaceful place, we must recognize that it begins in our own homes. In order to bring more peace to our homes, we must start with ourselves.

Additional Resources

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting

Keep Your Love On

 

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